| wow. its been forever since ive been on here.
well. basically.. im fucking gross.
i shouldnt even deserve to be on here.
i eat all the fucking time. and it shows
from 118 to 144.5 in like. what? 2 months?!
how did i fail so bad?!? like.. i try so hard
but i give in to the fucking fatty foods
im so weak!! what happened?!?!? OMG!!
well.. lots of things have happened..
i dont remember everything but..
i ran away from home. parents found me
took me to my counselor.
she hospitalized me.
i was stuck in there for 5 days...
missed halloween. lol. fuckers.
ex boyfriend fucked me over.
gave me shit about how he still loved me
wanted to go out with me again
then all the sudden changed his fucking mind
then fucks one of my really good friends
i got really upset. yelled and screamed.
he said he'd never hurt me like that again
and he still loved me and always will.
still wanted to be really good friends
well. now he never talks to me..
and he's going out with one of my old friends.
whatever. well write me:)
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| so.. i was at my friends house today
after the first football game on our campus EVER!!
(we kicked ass, by the way)
and they were gettin ready for homecoming
but yea.. i was sitting down drawing/writing
when i realized i had to pee=P
so i got up, and headed to the bathroom..
and i get really lightheaded
so i leaned over to try and keep control..
but i couldnt..
and i helplessly felt myself fall to the ground..
there was a crash..
and a horrible sharp pain
that attacked the back of my head..
there were a few more crashes..
and a lot of noise.....
and then it got quiet..
i lied there for a moment..
unable to move..
i couldnt even open my eyes..
i heard worried voices getting louder
as they rushed to where i was..
i was waking up.. coming back into reality.
'im fine, im fine' i said as i sat up
my vision came back..
and i looked at who was at my side.
one was my beloved friend..
the other.. was the mother of my friend.. a nurse
i told her that i was taking sleeping pills
that were just recently perscribed to me..
i said that they made me feel weak and dizzy..
and also told her that im seeing my doctor soon
she asks me 'are you eating?'
'are you drinking enough water?!'
'yes..' i lied.'ive just been really tired lately..'
and she finally let it go..
but the rest of the time i was there..
she was watching me, carefully.
and then another mom arrived
and told me i was too skinny.. wayy to skinny
i felt so pathetic, and helpless
i was completely embarassed..
and worried.. that she would kno....
the real reason i had passed out.
drugs. diet pills. starvation.
after all, that is my life now.
nothing more than that...
and i cant let them take my life away!!
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| im around 127..
whoopeee.
ive been eating so much!
due to my premenstral SHIT!!
i was down to 120.5.....
well... ill get there again:]
i just worked today
[that means i did meth]
and i love that shit
it makes you so chill..
and makes you not hungry
for the next few days
AT LEAST<33
i fucking love it
but at the same time..
im screwing my life up
so fucking bad!!
i keep ditching classes
to go get high or
some shit like that..
im failing my classes.
except for algebra 2
lmao....
i just dont really care
and i dont do the homework..
but it doesnt matter to me
i know it will in the future tho..
when ive fucked it all up
but.. wait a second....
dont they tell us
that these are the best years of our lives?!
and to be with friends, have fun
and not worry about the future yet?
so.... thats exactly what im doing
and ill worry about the future
when it gets here.
all these drugs im doin
[weed, coke, meth, thizz]
its fucken me up
but.. i realize that
id rather life an exciting life
where ive had fun and
didnt waste my time worrying
and die at like..
age twenty fucking five---
then to spend my time
preparing for my future
doing nothing but work
work, work, WORK
for the rest of my life
and live to be a hundred..
i dunno.....
i really dont care
what happens
at this point in my life
--Ashlee<33
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| so.
a few days ago i was 121..
now im almost 130..
and.
my counselor told my parents
all this shit
on how they have to ALWAYS WATCH WHAT I EAT
and warned me that if i lose any more weight
or they find that i havent been eating
theyre gonna put me in intensive eating disorder therapy or whatever.
happy happy joy joy
fuck it..
so i took some more diet pills
and i love this feeling
and hate it at the same time
where i cant stop shaking
and my chest burns..
and my stomachs growling and i feel so weak..
im scared.. ive lost so much weight!!
i dont want to gain it all back...
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| call me crazy
call me insane
i dont give a FUCK what you say
I DONT GIVE A FUCK!!!
you think your so cool
with your million dollar shoes
and your fake attitude
well guess what, ive got news..
im gonna rip you to peices
TEAR APART YOUR INSIDES
peal the skin off your bones
IM GONNA FEED OFF YOUR PAIN
i fucking hate you
i just wanna make you suffer
wanna make you die inside
ohh baby..
i cant deny these feelings i have for ya
BABY CAN YOU FEEL IT?!
can you feel the blade scraping off your skin
CAN YOU FEEL IT?!?!
I FUCKING HATE YOU
i wanna see you DEAD
i wanna see the FLIES
PICK OUT YOUR EYES
I WANNA WATCH YOU CRY
WANNA SEE THE TEARS
AS YOU SLOWLY DIE
IM THE WORST OF YOUR FEARS
and when its over..
when im covered in your blood
and your not breathing anymore.....
ILL BE THE HAPPIEST FUCKER ON THIS EARTH!!
FUCKING A I JUST WISH YOU WERE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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